Sunday with Tunde

Hey, so you threw your heart right in

And it turned out less than perfect
A losing streak is starting in your mind
You let yourself believe the pain
Is never gonna be worth it

I've been in Malaysia for two weeks now and I'm missing all of my friends in Manila. I'm supposed to go back home on Saturday, Aug 2 but it looks like I'll be staying here one more week. I still need to finish a lot of things. Turn over documents to the new girl on the block. Train the new guy and hire and interview a couple of dozen more people for the job. So tiring. So lonely.

Missing Atche and her ramblings, stories, scams, mood swings and everything else in between. I know from reading her blog (http://iamsucculent.blogspot.com) that she misses me too. It's just different here with no close friends to share your life with.

Don't beat yourself up
Know that you were never wrong for wishful thinking
So you done lost the battle
Should we just cross out your name and let you sink

Missing Sepid and her funny moments. She seems to be coping a lot better now. I didn't know how strong she was until now. I'd like to share her story but I promised her I would not say anything. But for the readers out there who doesn't know her, just think betrayal.

I was looking at our pictures from way back when. During the time she was still with the company. It made me miss her even more. Being with her was one of the best moments I remember. Remember Singpore Sep? Hilarious!

I'm missing Reejoie too. We usually share stories about our frustrations about the company and how unfair it can be for some of us. I heard she's sick now. Probably her allergies are acting up again. (Get well soon, Badette!)

You got me feeling like the last surviving
Great romantic
But stop dreaming and the world stops spinning around
You feel foolish cause love never turns out
Like you planned it
But stop believing and the world starts letting you down

There a couple of good things that happened to me while I was here though. One, I got my new toy. For months and months we (Reejoie and I) have been thinking of what dSLR to buy. We were agreed that Nikon was still one of the best cameras but we can't decide which one to get, Nikon D60 or Nikon D80. I did an extensive research on both cams and while I think D80 is still the better cam, I ended up buying the D60, mainly because it was best for my budget. (Read: previous blog)

The other good thing was the cause of my sleepless nights, huge phone bill, welcomed distractions, and the reason I smile on idle moments. Not going to dwell on that for now. Let's just say I'm looking forward to be home. Honestly though, this scares the sh*t out of me. But I won't let my fear get in the way of my chance to be happy.

So, you had to let it go
It clearly wasn't working
A new love leaves you trembling
You hide behind the door
So unsure of what you used to know
So now you think you're every move ten steps ahead
And you are frozen
Caught inside yourself
You're drowning as the anger overflows

I haven't heard anything from Singapore Guy for quite some time now. Yes, we dated again just before I flew to Malaysia. I invited him out for a movie and we were suppose to meet again later that night. But for some reason, we didn't. Must be fate. Must be a sign telling me to give it up. How many more times do I have to see the door close for me to realize there's nothing or no one coming back? My messianic complex kicked it.

-0-

The Messiah Complex is a state in which the individual believes themselves to be, or destined to become, the saviour of the particular field, a group, an event, a time period, or in an extreme scenario, the world. This could also be the state in which a group views an individual as a messiah, such as followers of a cult leader. The cult leader doesn't have to claim to be a messiah, but if he is treated as such by his followers, it can also be classified as such.

People with a messiah complex tend to see themselves as saviors to a specific group of people or a specific field, making claims of their own glory, or claiming a self-awareness of their own gift and how that gift can affect a group of people or a field of life.

In the most extreme cases, people with a messiah complex may see themselves as spiritual/religious messiahs with transcendent powers who are destined to save the world.

(Taken from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Messianic_complex)

-0-

Nothing extreme as such saving the world. Just one person. Who likes playing.

He seems like a player. Acts like a player. Can be a player. Maybe he IS a player. But one thing is for certain, I gave this guy the power to hurt me. And I'm taking that power back.

You got me feeling like the last surviving
Great romantic
But stop dreaming and the world stops spinning around
You feel foolish cause love never turns out
Like you planned it
But stop believing and the world starts letting you down

You got me feeling like the last surviving
Great romantic
But stop dreaming and the world stops spinning around
You feel foolish cause love never turns out
Like you planned it
But stop believing and the world starts letting you down

So...

I've got two more weeks here and I'm doing ok spening my Sunday with Tunde. But I miss spending it with Nat. Black and White in Good Earth. And loving every second of it!

(Shout out to Vicky who introduced Tunde to me, who sounds like Seal and whose songs cuts deep like a knife. Lyirics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/tunde_lyrics_3177/tunde_lyrics_10338/great_romantic_lyrics_119536.html)

Me and My Nikon D60

Ok, so after months of waiting, I finally bought my very first d-SLR. My new toy! Me so happpeeee!!! =D

I started photography very early. I joined the PhotoSoc (Photography Society) back when I was in grade 6 and then joined the Advanced Photography Club a year later. I was using a Nikon and Canon SLR back then and I learned a lot. But through the years, with the advancement from film to digital I placed my cameras locked in a closet somewhere at home.



About two years ago, I bought a Sony Cybershot DSC-H2, a semi-pro camera but only after a year or so, I started to lose interest in using it because it was bulky for a point and shoot but not so convenient for professional shots. Later that year I bought a Cybershot T200 which was a really nice point and shoot camera. I brought it everywhere and shot everything. Soon after, I craved for a d-slr. Inspired by my friend Reejoie who likes to take photos also. So we promised that come our adjustment money we will buy one. (Sorry, Joie, I know I promised we'd buy it together but it was relatively cheaper here in Malaysia and plus I am an impulse buyer anyway. hehehe.)

I initially wanted a Nikon D80 but because it was too expensive for my budget, I opted for a cheaper D60 which turned out to be a good buy. Technically I know basic photography so I guess this will do for now. Maybe after a year I will have the professional know-how to get a pro d-slr. I'm waiting for the D90. =D

So here's a few shots I took from my new toy! I love it! Enjoy!
http://imago.multiply.com/photos/album/150/Me_and_My_Nikon_D60

OMFG! Ms. Vicky's in Love

So love does come in the most unlikely place and time, and even the most unlikely person. (Told 'yah so! But nooooobody listens to the gay guy, huh!)

What can I say, she's in love. Ms. Vicky's in love.

Either that or she's just blushing like a 16yo virgin, never been touched, never been kissed, and never been fondled -- which I know is killing her. (Kidding!)

My emotions are running amok.

I’m happy for her and I pity myself.

I’m envious and I hate it.

I’m hopeful but it’s fleeting.

Sigh!

She recently met this E-I-C of one of the top magazines in the country--- through Facebook. Yes, single people, finding a date through the internet is easier than getting your food on time during lunch time in Manggan. And being both writers, they basically hit it off almost instantly.

A few days later, 5 days to be exact EIC’s declaration of love became official. “Be mine.” Sounds like something you’d see on a teddy bear or perhaps a cricket lighter. Baby, Lyt My Fire!

And what would dear Ms. Vicky do? She was basically, for the lack of better words, swept off her feet. And for those people who know her, and by that I mean the badettes¸ she isn’t the kind of woman who’d be taken by all the pambobola of men especially since she’s got game at the whole bolahan thing too. But who would have thought that she would dive in, then swim on treacherous water, drown, only to be seen, carried off to shore, and revived by a man who was willing to look pass her past and be his future.

And if only I could share the many SMS exchanges they had that would simply blow anyone who reads it away. Perhaps since they both write well, they could express their emotions in a more poetic, grammatically correct, spell-checked manner unlike most normal human beings.

It’s soooo unlike her. I’ve never seen her THIS happy in almost 3 years as friends. No guy has ever made her light up so much. And I worry for her. I don’t want to see the light switched off anytime soon. I only wish this guy is THE real deal. And that he has a gay brother whom he could introduce to me.

But the important thing is now. A new beginning with the perfect person and she’s happy, and we, as her friends are happier for her.

Nakaka-wala ng pagkatao ang pagka-impacho sa pagmamahal!

Yes, my friends, Ms. Vicky’s in love.

(photo pic-napped at her friendster)

To Atche: I do hope it's perfectly alright to write about this. I was just sooooo inspired with the twinkle in your eyes that I decided to write something about it -- less false eyelashes.

Side Order of Love

I don’t remember the last time I fell in love. It was such a long time ago that every day that I think about finding love feels as if it’ll never come. ‘Be patient, it’ll come in the most unexpected time, in the most unlikely place.’ My friend always told me this and somehow, while it’s comforting to know, I’m finding it harder and harder to believe.

I miss it. I miss the feeling of being in love. I miss the happiness that comes with it. I miss the moments when you wake up knowing that the one you love is beside you. I miss the times when right before you go to bed, his voice is the last thing you hear.

And so, I post this blog to find someone who’ll read it and relate. As I’m sure a lot of single people there will. I envy my friends, who got married, engaged, or just plain in love with their partners. I envy what they have and I remember when I used to have that too.

I recently heard that my last ex has another partner, 2 since the last time we broke up. I don’t really know if he’s just lucky or is it because he’s out there, always on the prowl and I’m not.

Every week, I take time to unwind and spend some quality time to release a stressful week at work. Malate, Metrowalk, Makati, I can be seen anywhere and yet no one really sees me. Time and time again, I’ve asked myself if I’m that difficult to approach, to get to know, to love. I am a complicated person, that I will admit to but I am not difficult to love. I’m just like most people, idealistic and a hopeless-romantic. It’s just that I admit to it.

I can’t wait for love to come. I can’t wait for someone to sweep me off my feet and carry me to a far off land. Ok, well I guess that’s pushing it. Let’s just say I want someone I can connect with. Someone sincere and faithful, whom I know nowadays, is hard to come by, especially in the gay scene. After all, men are naturally born promiscuous.

Last night, I was in a bar, somewhere in Malate and there was this pretty adorable guy dancing in front of me. He was being eyed by another guy from across the dance floor. I noticed him texting and peeked to look. Yes, I was that bored. He was sms-ing his lover. I knew ‘coz I saw the name ‘PAO-HUN.’ After a few more drinks and more eye to eye courtship, the guy from across the dance floor approached and they started making out. I thought to myself, ‘Is there really no more faithful guys around?’ It’s so sad that most people take for granted their relationships. And for what, for a quick lay?

Sometimes I wonder if the complication of being in a relationship is worth the risk. Is being in a relationship better than being single? Or is being single and just fooling around better than risking being hurt because one partner can’t keep their pants on? I guess it all boils down to contentment. But people rarely get satisfied. There’s always something more they want. It’s never enough. Love never is.

If being in a relationship is the main course and love is the side order, let me have some of that.

Check please!

On Familiar Ground

Standing on the middle of nothing.
Looking for yet another familiar face.
We share a common goal,
find the light surrounded by darkness.
Wishes...hopes... and dreams.
Fleeting.

Everything is a constant battle.
A fight to keep sanity
In the chaotic world you live in
Peace is a luxury you wish to keep.
Hope is something you need to have.
How strong are you?
Have far are you willing to go to find yourself?

The sweet sadness in your smile,
hiding beneath the mask that's crumbling.
Fading memories of the past
oh, what joy.
Numb.
Let's not feel.
Enough with love.
Enough!

Standing on a familiar ground,
I still see nothing.
No one.
Just light.
Pin light.

Weekend of Goodbyes

So who would have thought that after being single for nearly 8 months (pause for dramatic effect), I’m still single! Dang! I think I’m getting too old for this ‘crazy lil’ thing called L-O-V-E.’ And I won’t say it’s not getting to me because it does, and all of my friends can affirm this. After all, I am a commitment-maniac. There I said it! I love being in-love and sometimes even more than the person. I am an idealist. I love the idea of me being in love. And this has been my greatest fault. Oftentimes, even before the relationship starts I’ve already set plans of having a 1st anniversary vacation cruise with him. This usually happens by the second date. I know right, WTF am I thinking? But hey, being idealistic in love comes with a price (sometimes even literally). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t and never will pay for love. This is not PRETTY WOMAN after all. I ain’t that rich. So why is it that when it comes to love, we all look for the ideal, perfect, and over-the-top kind? Were we fed with so much ‘happily ever afters’ as a kid that fairytales becomes ideal? We all look for our Prince Charming’s, Cinderella’s, Snow White’s, Carrie’s and Mr. Big’s and yet for some of us, they may never come.

In my search for the perfect kind of love, I came across three very unique individuals. And as quickly as each one came, each of them disappeared out of my life.

Cavite Guy

Three years ago I met this aspiring entrepreneur on one hot summer night. I won’t try to frost it; it was a one night stand. And that was basically it, a quick lay, nothing special, and nothing to be serious about. But then, a few years down the road, I received this message on one of the websites I frequently visit reminding me of this night, an invite of sorts to keep in touch and go out soon. And as if soon didn’t come quickly enough, we had lunch the next day. We had lunch at Podium and talked, and talked, and talked. I found him on a different light. It’s like really meeting him for the first time. I realized this guy had a very big potential to be a very good partner. He’s intellectual, goal-oriented, focused and driven. He owned his own training management company which was his wife, baby, partner and life. His world revolved around his work and company. I remember asking him why he’s so passionate about this and he said, ‘because my work is the only thing that gives me back importance.’ I’m not entirely sure what this meant or why he answered it like that but I knew at that very instant I could never compete. I also knew that this person can assure me of a very good future. We tried to make it work but things were much more complicated. We had different priorities and he was not ready to give it all up for a shot at a relationship. While I was willing to give it my everything. I haven’t heard from him for 4 days and I take it as he’s just not that interested.

Singapore Guy

Last Saturday I met up with some of my friends to unwind and have a great time. We decided to go clubbing and dance, get drunk and just have fun. We went to our usual hang out at Malate. The night started great and we heated the dance floor early on. Vicky sported this uber sexy outfit seemingly ignoring the fact that we were at a gay club and straight men there were either waiters, go-go boys or there with their girlfriends who had gay friends. I obviously underestimated her as she ended up dancing with this hot ‘undetermined (sexual orientation)’ guy. The whole time I was texting with this Singapore guy who claimed to have other plans with his friends and won’t be coming there. But to my surprise, later that night (morning), he texted saying he’ll be coming. I was suddenly filled with excitement. After all, I really like this guy and he seemingly liked me.

I met him about a month and a half ago. We started exchanging text messages at first and a few phone calls here and there. It was only recently after he came back from Singapore that we decided to meet. I saw his pictures on the net and I knew he was attractive but I didn’t realize he was hot until a saw him personally. He had a great body, much like a surfers. He’s also highly intellectual and spoke very well. Up until that time, I never even imagined I’d have the slightest possibility to date someone like him. I was never really that attracted to guys who sported a great physique, spoke well and modelled. Call it insecurity but I refused to date guys like that because I knew my paranoia will always get the best of me. I still gave it a shot. He was sweet, thoughtful and almost the guy I wanted to have a relationship with. But then it crumbled as quickly as it was built.

He was always the mysterious type, hardly spoke about his life and rarely shared his feelings to me. But before that Saturday night, he did. He told me about his friends (whom I met a week before) and even his past lovers. He was beginning to open up to me. And I was finally confident that I could crack some of his mysteries. I was terribly wrong. I haven’t heard from him since.

The Young Guy

A few months back while I was hanging out at our usual club I bumped into an old friend. He was with his guy and I was immediately taken by his unbelievably cute smile. Yes, it was that smile that also drove me to find out more about him. I messaged my friend asking him to give him my number. I found out that he did but the guy never texted or called. So, persistent as I am, I found another way. I messaged him on the usually site I had an account with hoping that he’d reply. After a week, I got my answer. We exchanged messages and started keeping in touch even when I was in Malaysia for work. When I came back, we decided to meet for dinner. Dinner was a short one and we never had an opportunity to have another one. I realised he was young and yet again, we had different priorities. I didn’t want to pursue. I gave up even before it started.

-o-

Perhaps this is partly my fault for having too much expectation with all three of them. But I tried and make at least one work but it seemed that fate was against my side. I didn’t fall in love with all of them, not even one. I fell in love with the fact that I had a shot to be happy again. I was hopeful and somewhat looking forward to the possibility of finding my happy ending. I ran too fast and jumped too high. One of my friends spoke to me about having too high standards. I know I had them set too high but then again, I never wanted to lower it down. Maybe I should. But let me find the right person first. Until then, I remain single, not-so-happy but ok single. I will remain hopeful and idealistic even if it takes another 8 months or more until that crazy-lil’-thing called L-O-V-E comes my way… and stays.

Ode to a Sunday

San Mig Light and Menthols on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Tofu dripping with grease that slides like slime down your throat.
An order of deep fried french fries with garlic mayo dip.
A dash of chili, and a little sprinkle of you.
Chopsticks, ashtrays, a notebook and pens.
You take a drag on your cigarette, and sing at the top of your lungs.
Koreans sit across our table with plum nail polish.
We roll our eyes at the adolescent punks who vandalized the table beside us.
Kids lined with eyeliners, who smoked and posed as hip.
They ordered nothing but alcohol from a nearby convenience store.
Pathetic.
So out of boredom, we played SOS, Afro Hangman, and Pencil-Flick Wars.
Became sentimental, and spoke about love, life and everything else in between.
And then a realization hit: Sundays are more than beer, cigarettes and people-watching.
It's about sharing lives, thoughts, hopes and dreams,
Daydreaming and guessing what the future may bring.
Loneliness, fears, babies and marriage.
Probabilities and endless possibilities.
In this chaotic world where pieces of you get broken all the time,
We hang on to each other, knowing there is nothing else as infallible as our Sundays.
With our San Mig Light and Menthols, we continue to share our passion for life.
Caught in our own world, we laugh and we cry,
But we keep on coming back to our sanctuary: each other.
Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
All that matters is that we keep on coming back.
Armed with nothing else but our deep love
For a lazy Sunday afternoon.


April 20, 2008

Twister

Once upon a time, they were best friends.

They knew nothing could ever come between them. One was always talking about how life was cruel to him. And because she was the only person who knew him inside and out, she always knew what he needed to hear. But still he felt lonely and sad that his life was not the way he wanted. She can offer nothing but her shoulder because she could never give him what he needed the most. For him, it was more than enough... to hear her voice on the phone, and to see her as often as he could. He loved her more than anyone.

But then he met someone who occupied his thoughts and his heart. And slowly, he drifted away.

He was happy and content with the life he finally found. But then, as he always feared, everything fell apart. He wanted it to last forever, and she knew that this person was different, and mattered to him more than anyone else he has ever met.

So even if she felt like she had been forgotten, she did everything to put things back together without his knowedge. It was her best friend's happiness that mattered more than anything did. And it worked out for the best.

One day, she received a surprising message from him. "Nat, I need to see you. Can we meet up?"

And so they did.

They met at the usual place. After so many years, here they are on another lazy Sunday.

"I thought you'd forgotten about me," she said half-jokingly.

"How could I do that? You're my best friend."

"You know that will never change. I've always understood that I had to let you go to find the happiness I could never give," she said, taking his hand.

He felt that even if she meant what she said, there was a painful ring to those words. He apologized.

But she wouldn't accept it. She knew he didn't know what she did for him, but she wanted him to think that he found what he was looking for by himself. After all, that's what he needed.

"I'm dying," he said. "Doctors said I have cancer."

She was stunned and speechless. This time, she had no power to change anything. She was helpless, and again, she could offer nothing but her shoulder.

Chem Love

Reposting from http://www.imago.multiply.com



If love were for sale, would you buy it and for how much?

Lifetime vs. Three Hours

I recently had an encounter with someone who thought that happiness can be found by taking on little pill worth a thousand plus pesos. For roughly two months, I believed that his person can love me, that I was enough to make him happy. However, he wanted heaven. He wanted it so much he was more than willing to let me go, break my heart and step on it. He wanted three hours of heaven in exchange for a promise, a hope of a lifetime together. I was foolish enough to think that my love can suffice. That my love can give him what he wanted what he needed. But, he wanted heaven --three hours of it to be exact.

“I love you! I hope you know that.”

“I know and I love you too”

“But I guess not as much as ‘that’ right?

“Yeah!”

He could have been kind enough to deny it. He could have said “No!” He could have cared enough not to answer. But he did not. He answered in such a cold voice. I heard my heart break. Instantly. It broke like a wooden stick, right smack at the middle. SNAP! It echoed throughout my body. I was shaking and tears immediately came rolling down my cheeks. I have heard bad break-up lines but this one’s for the books.

It was suppose to be our day together. A day we promised to spend together because it was almost our second month. I woke up and saw my mobile phone completely drained. I stood up and grabbed the charger. I turned on my phone and saw his message. He said he needed to go to his friends’ place because they want to talk. I called him. He picked up my call and I heard ‘house music’ loudly playing on the background. My initial thought was that they were drinking. He said he was going to finish in a few hours. It was 12 noon when I received his SmS and it was now four in the afternoon. Unless it was a discussion on political history and the Cold War, I highly doubted that all they were doing was talk. I knew he was lying but I did not pursue. An hour later, I called him again.

“I don’t understand. Why do you need to be there and talk for more than 5
hours? This was our day together. We were going to celebrate, remember?”

He did not answer. He could not answer.

“Did you drop? Tell me honestly. Did you drop?”

“Yes, I did!”

For a moment, I was speechless. Then I started asking questions for which I already knew the answers. It was then I realised that he did not love me as much as I had hoped, as much as I deserved. It was that afternoon I ended it.


Two Weeks, Too Soon


I got back from Kenya two weeks later and heard they got back together (unofficially). It did not really come as a surprise as I already heard rumors about it. Somehow, I knew it was bound to happen eventually. However, I did not expect it to be sooner rather than later.

“Do you believe in 2nd chances?”

“No. But I guess it really depends. If after sometime I still love him or he still loves me”

“Ah, so you do naman pala eh.”

“Yeah, I guess…”

Perhaps it is not meant to be. Perhaps I was even deceived all along. But whatever the reason was, it didn’t really matter anymore. There was nothing left to do but wish them well and move on. His heart never really belonged to me after all. It belonged to someone he considered his friend, his lover and maybe even his soul mate. My friends said I was better off without him but part of me refused to believe that at first. Then, I must. Therefore, I did.

If heaven can be found on a pill and love can be bought, would you buy it?

“I’d rather fall in love and go through hell to someday know what forever in heaven feels like with someone.”

Whenever.

Wherever.

WhatEVERRR!

Halaga

Kung bukas matutunan mong magmahal muli,
Saan mo hahanapin ang pag-ibig na tila tuluyan mo ng nilimot?
At sa iyong patuloy na paglalakbay
Patungo sa daang waring unti-unting naglalaho
Paano na ang pag-asa?

Apat na mahahabang buwan at bawat araw, oras at minuto'y binibilang.
Nagaantay sa pagdating ng bukas na muling magising ang nahihimbing na puso.

Doon sa tabi ng bughaw na langit,
Naroon kaya?

Doon sa nagkukubling liwanag, sa lilim na berdeng halaman,
Mayroon kaya?

Naroon, doon sa ilalim ng madilim na dagat,
Andoon ata.

Maaring doon sa naglalagablab na init ng araw,
Hindi mahawakan, hindi rin masilyan,
Baka naroon nga.

Kung bukas makalawa ay iyong matagpuan ang mailap mong inaasahan,
Maalala mo pa rin kaya ang daang noo'y iyong tinahak,
Na pilit mong nilimot ang mga sakit at pait ng kahapon?

At kapag iyong natagpuan ang pagasa,
Ito ba'y may halaga pa?

Like Ripples in the Water

White and minimal and yet it spoke to me like a story. It was with your mysterious ways and sly smile that caught my attention. There was something there, with your head on a pillow, seemingly sleeping your troubles away. And with your profound thoughts and creativity that shone brightly like the first time you opened your eyes on a beautiful morning, blinding but warm. I write this for you whom I loved and lost to someone you chose to be with the moment you met. And to the mistake that cost me you, I wonder if it was indeed my fault or was it him who 'stole' you from me. Regardless, I know you're happy now and like a pill I swallowed the bitter truth that you are in the arms of another. When C was Zee and Christmas wasn't merry, I called but you did not answer, it was then I shed a tear that created ripples in the water and that, as they say, was that.

It was a late night at the office. It was half past eight when I decided that evening to head home. I just came back from Galera with Vicky that weekend and I was inviting him to meet me for dinner but he refused. I got out of the building and to my surprise saw him walking casually with his usual I-pod-big-bag-cap-tattered-shirt-not-minding-anyone look. I called out three times but he obviously did not hear nor see me. I had to rush in front of him to catch his attention. He saw me and was equally surprised but in the glad-to-see-you sense. I felt there was something cold about him that night. I felt it. It was as if he did not want to see me. But persistent as I was I forced him to talk about 'us'. A topic he clearly avoided for so many days. It was then I found out that all the months of dating were flushed down the drain.

"So, did you go out with him?"
"Yes. I did last Sunday."
"And are you going to see him again?"
"We already did."

I knew that was it for me, two consecutive dates with another guy that instantly told me that I am officially out of the picture. I've known him for about 6 months to be mistaken. I was leaving for Jakarta in a couple of days and it brought me a sense of relief to be incommunicado for a few weeks. At that point I really did not want to speak or see him.

Weeks later I came back and knew that I had been replaced. Probably not by someone better but definitely with someone he was more compatible with him. I silenced my aching heart and urged it to beat for his happiness. And while it still hurt there was nothing left for me to do but watch from the side, look at the pictures and pray that someday I'd find me own. And when the ripples in the water subsided it became clear to me. It was simple, white and minimal, I had taken this pill that somehow made me stronger --- a pill I called Vitamin Zee.

Confessions of a Commitment-Maniac

*poof* … and then the handsome young prince turned back into a frog.

Just when you said that you found the one, destiny turns its wheel and you’re right back to square one. Lately, I’ve been diving into one relationship after the next. And after being into so many relationships (around 7) in just over a year, I am starting to think that there is something disturbingly wrong with me. My friends have told me time and time again that I should not even blame myself but I think otherwise. If I analyze it very well there are several things that will lead me to the conclusion that I am indeed a commitment-maniac. Here are some signs.

You know you’re a commitment-maniac when…

1. You meet one person and have an instant connection with and assume that this will be another beautiful relationship without even knowing his last name.
2. You spend next hour talking about previous relationships, asking about why it didn’t work. You ask for their names and pray you don’t know them or worse had sex with them.
3. You immediately ask for a number where he/she can be reached and instantly call with sweet blah-blahs.
4. When he doesn’t reply to your sms, you call and pretend to say you just miss talking when really you’re just bothered if he’s still interested.
5. On the first date you ask, “Are you really ready for a new relationship?”
6. If the answer’s a “yes,” you hold hands.
7. If it’s a “no,” you say,” I’m willing to wait.”
8. You’re demanding, setting rules and regulations like a kindergarten teacher.
9. On the third date, you say, “I think I’m falling for you.”
10. On the sixth date you say, “I love you.”
11. You force him/her to take dozens and dozens of pictures every time you meet just to keep the memories frozen but really you just want to tell the whole world you’re in a relationship and that you’re sweet.
12. You plan things like, living in together, opening a bank account, buying a dog, working at the same building or same office, brainstorms on pet names, plans out of town and country trips, wants to meet the parents and other family members, demands to meet friends, all in one week.
13. You break-up after a week or two, with reasons as petty as you failed to say the “three magic words” today.
14. You instantly sms, call, or advertise via YM, MSN, Friendster or Multiply that you broke up and now being back in singlehood is open for date referrals.
15. You cry less and less when you encounter break-ups either because you’ve grown stronger or just that you got so used to it.
And lastly,
16. You’re in another relationship after less than a month.

Now let me remind you that as this may not be applicable to everyone, these are based on the events in the life and loss of a commitment-maniac. I am neither proud nor happy that this has been happening to me in the past couple of years but it has been something I’ve learned to accept and now very much willing to change. I’ve learned from these ‘mistakes’ and I’m ready to go on a crusade to fight the mania. I guess part of being a commitment-maniac is to be blamed on the fact that I am a hopeless-romantic to the core. Nothing special here, just a simple guy who’s addicted to love and simple dreaming of the day when he would settle down, be happy with someone, hold hands , read a book, watch the TV on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Someday another frog will pass by his way and maybe turn into the prince charming he had hope for since he knew how to kiss.

Good Morning/Goodbye

And so it has come to this, after 5 years of an on and off relationship you decided to break my heart again and I decided it would be the very last time. We met at a very unlikely place and time. It was half past two in the morning when you stopped and asked me for directions. Who knew that a simple question would lead us to years of complicated love? I never expected that in one unlikely morning at half past one by June’s end you said your goodbye.

Did you ever wonder why is it that every time you’re sad, it suddenly rains. Perhaps it is Gaea’s way of empathizing with you.

It was a cloudy morning and I immediately knew that it was not the same. I could smell it as clearly as pancakes for breakfast. It was distinct. The wind felt dry and humid. The grass poised as tall as ever seemingly welcoming the first drop. It was going to rain, for I am sad. It was a day filled with anxiety. Eagerly anticipating what’s coming. I could not get out off bed. I wanted to lie there and sleep for a hundred years and wait for my Prince Charming to wake me from my eternal slumber. But life, my life, was not a fairytale. There is no Prince, only dragons. I rolled out of bed, dragged myself toward the bathroom. Doing the same routine. Bathe, brush my teeth, shave, dress up and get ready for work. But I really did not want to work; I did not want to move. All I could think about was that only a couple of hours ago you decided to call everything off. You did it with such coldness that could rival the Artic Sea. I did not understand why and your answers only led to even more complicated questions. I was dazed and confused. I only felt a sense of deep sadness and a nagging feeling of fear. I was scared that I will not be able to love the same way again or that I will be trapped in my vulnerable state. Both of which I did not want but had. I wanted to be over you the soonest but I did not know how. I’ve forgotten how to move on. So I drank to try and sink my sorrow to oblivion. It didn’t work. Alcohol was never a solution to anything. I turned to my friends for comfort and assurance that it was not my fault. And yet I kept blaming myself for something out of my hands. They were right. It was not my fault and the only reason I weep was because I believed that forever could happen to us. I’ve accepted the fact; the truth that it was just really not meant to be. I should move on now and try to be happy in my solace. And I know in time I will. When the rain stops I will dance outside to my own music. Music only I can hear, without you. I will stop dancing in the rain to hide my tears. Because this morning when I saw you again I decided to hate you and love you the only way I know how. On this beautiful morning after the rain, I said my very last goodbye.

A Million Little You (A Million Little Me)

Look at me.
I said, Look at me!
What do you see?
I see you through a glass.
And is there any difference? He asked.
None at all, I replied.
I see a person wanting to be seen, to be heard, to be cared for and loved.
But I see something real. No pretensions, no qualms,
Powerful, destructive in force, gentle in honour
I believe in the dreamer, the soul-searcher, who travels to lands unknown
only to come back empty.
What’s wrong with you?
Why do you think such things?
Because there is nothing more real than the truth
That you are too blinded to see.
And what truth is that?
The truth that you are no one.
I am someone.
I am passionate.
You are borrowed.
I am someone.
I am love-crazed.
You are conceived in my mind, moulded into no one.
Generic.
I am someone,
An individual.
You are a reflection. A mere magic trick of light.
I am someone,
Defiant,
Who wants to change the world,
Who wants to succeed because he can create.
You are to be shared.
A gift for no one.
I am someone.
Given to everyone.
A jester to all but yourself.
Ha-Ha-Ha! I hear them laughing.
Mocking you ridicule yourself in front of them.
Why do you do such a foolish act?
Humiliating yourself so that others can.
I do this for them and not for you.
Not for you but for them.
Listen. They are still laughing at you.
No. They laugh with me.
And what you hear is music to my soul.
It’s nothing but noise to drown the truth.
Be kind to yourself.
Do not inflict any more pain.
The truth that you are no one,
Everyone will not like you and you,
You should not even care.
But I do.
You do because you want more than you need.
Shut up.
No.
Stop.
I don’t want to hear any more of this.
You must listen and accept what is coming.
HA-HA-HA! Laugh more, cry even.
You are Narcissus who sank on his own vanity.
Loving yourself was never a sin.
But too much is a crime.
The mirror shatters
Into a million broken little pieces lay on the floor.
I knelt down.
Now, look at me.
I said, LOOK AT ME!
Who is it that you can see?
I see you.
A million broken little pieces of you.

Bopis and Valentine’s Day

“Noel, you’re wanted at the Principal’s office,” my teacher said. At first I thought it was something I did wrong but then I quickly realized that being sent to the office for putting gum under my desk wasn’t enough reason. I knocked and slowly opened the door to the office. I entered and saw my father seated. I was surprised to so him and wondered what he was doing there talking to my principal. “Get your things, we’re going home,” Papa said. He thanked the principal and signaled me toward the door. I asked him what he was doing there and he just said that we’re going to my grandparent’s house. The news of me going there filled my heart with delight. I got to leave the school early and I would get to spend time with my cousins playing. I couldn’t be more excited. We reached our house and I dashed to my room to change. I kept thinking I would get to see my cousins, aunts, uncles and most especially taste my Lolo’s bopis again and on a school night. What more could a stressed-out little boy want? It was quite a long drive from our house to my grandparents’ but I didn’t mind. I was just so happy to see them all. It was a quiet drive and Papa wasn’t talking. All I could here was the music on the radio. We finally arrived and I immediately jumped out of the car and dashed toward the gate. I saw a lot of unfamiliar faces at the porch but I was too fervent to even ask why. I began looking for my cousins so we could start playing. I got to the kitchen and there I saw my mom and aunts immersed into conversation. They stopped when they saw me. I kissed my mom and went around the table to do the same to my aunts and uncles. “Where’s lola?” I asked. “She’s in her room,” my mom answered. I ran to her room and found my other family members huddled around her crying. She wiped her tears when she saw me and I hugged her. I asked why everyone seemed so sad but no one replied. I shrugged and went back to the kitchen. I was hungry and I was craving for my favourite delicacy which my grandfather cooks so well, but to my dismay it wasn’t there. My mom suddenly took me by the arm and asked me to sit with her. The next few words I heard from her shocked me to my very core. I was immediately filled with so much pain and grief that tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks. I rose from her lap and went to the wall near the bathroom. I started kicking and punching the wall vigorously as if it was all to blame. I shouted and cried harder and when I grew tired I fell on the floor and cried even more. My heart was pounding and I was grasping for air. And after a while I became silent and rose from where I fell. I walked slowly toward my cousins’ room and at the corner of my eye saw my sister crying. My mom tried to stop me but I freed myself from her hand and ran toward the room. I wanted to be alone to dwell on the grief I was feeling. I locked the door behind me as I entered. I cuddled up on the empty bed and began crying again. Suddenly, I was filled with memories of my grandfather, Apo Ben. I remembered his antics and other fond memories of him. I remembered he used to jokingly touch me on my privates saying that he wanted to check if it was growing faster than me. He always said that I was chubby and unusually small for my age.

My grandfather died February 14 due to a heart attack. It was his third. I never tasted his bopis again and I don’t even remember the last time I did. But I remember all the lessons he taught me. He taught me so many things. He taught me how to laugh out loud. He taught me to love cooking. He taught me that art is beautiful and that creativity comes not from the hands of the maker but from his heart and soul. He taught me what beer tastes like. He let me taste my first when I was 9. He was strong and strict but compassionate and loving. He taught me about death for the first time by dying. He taught me that it was ok and that the life we had on this earth was only borrowed and can be taken away anytime. He taught me that crying was nothing more than expressing pain and to weep because when someone leaves you, you are allowed to mourn for a while. But then you have to let go and remember fond memories you have that will last for a lifetime. I never tasted bopis the same way again and Valentine’s Day was not only the day of hearts but the day when my great Apo Ben taught me how it is to cry and to weep then let go.

Love and San Mig Light

I wanted to write beautiful poems and wonderful essays, about love and every story behind its sheer power. I have always considered myself a love-crazed person. It was all I could ever think about, and for a time it was all I could ever write about. As one movie I saw clearly illustrated, they say that there are different kinds of live. A love that’s blind with one being more engagingly attractive than the other. A love that fades when two people have grown too far apart brings you spiralling down. A love that’s lost when one dies. A love found even in just one night—at a bar. And then, there’s the cruellest kind of love, the unrequited love. A person doomed to watch the love of another blossom in silent tears and with sweet goodbyes. And so, here and now I decide to write about love and San Mig Light.

A lit cigarette and a cold San Mig Light
An idea of a near perfect night
A quiet spot in a crowded room
Loneliness made by choice

Sweet nothings and cruel words
My heart and thoughts run amuck.
There so much beauty coupled with pain
I see in your face.

You loved and you lost, you lived and died.
In the passing of the day and the coming of the night
With your silent tear and sweet goodbye
We part.

Passion, depression, lies and fears
On giving up and holding on
A pen, a paper, a coaster and alone
Me, with love and my San Mig Light

My Body's Not Mine

You gave me this body
But it is not mine
You moulded me into something
In the image and likeness
Conceived in your mind

My body is borrowed
A gift to be shared, but
Scarred and tainted
With feelings of pain and love, happiness and tears
And of all things failed

You loaned me this body
For me to use as I please
But I decided unwisely
With vices, I destroyed it slowly
Cigarettes, alcohol, sex and vanity

My body filled with passion
You alone can feel
Undying, deep and giving
Stolen from a figure unreal
Copied from a shadow with your seal

Other bodies I envy
For they’re muscular and big
While mine, small and lean
Sickly and thin
And somewhat unclean

Youth and beauty
Things my body clings in desperately
But I know it shall fade, wither and decay
As certain as the sun, as mysterious as the moon
My body like all others will be gone soon

“Take care of me,” it said.
Love me like a mother would a child, it pleaded
Unselfishly, undaunted and without disregard
My body, a place for my head
And the heart that seemingly plays dead.

My soul cries, “free me from this cage!”
A vision of me on the edge
My body is different
Different from my heart
It was shaped, given, borrowed, full of passion, and it is not mine.

A Lesson In Dancing

Dance as if no one is watching: close your eyes

And picture no one but you and I

Surrounded by music that only we can hear;

Trust me. Believe. I tell you; soon I shall teach you how to fly.



Dance as if no one is watching: embrace your freedom

from a world full of pain

of man unjust, I offer you peace and a promise to live

and to dance to keep you sane.



Dance as if no one is watching: follow the beat

And feel its rhythm. Hear the sound getting louder

and faster, taking you higher and higher.

I am your guide and this your heart shall remember.



Dance as if no one is watching: across time and space

Share your love and release your passion,

Raise your hand and reach for mine.

This is a dance of our own creation.



Dance as if no one is watching: open your eyes

And look beyond what you can see. Listen

To your soul: “I am you and you have become me”

We are as one as heaven intended us to be.



Now, let's dance as if no one is watching.

A Poem For Mama

This is a poem to my mother, Menchie
Whom I caused silent tears
With my broken promises and failed dreams
Whose strict upbringing and moody temper
Have kept us all on our toes
“Mama, Let’s talk, I want to tell you something”
She listened and understood
All I had to say
That pain was never my intention
But grief was caused by my action.
I am sorry for the way I am
And yet you love me just the same.
You are my hero
A pillar of strength to be admired
For your rare smiles and brave spirit
Have kept me going to fight
The battle I thought I lost
I won because you were beside me
For a mother’s love will forever remain
Constant and steadfast in its undying will
To keep my best interest at heart.
And so, I write this to thank you,
For your passion, your care, your love.
My mother Menchie, enduring and patient
Ageless in the heart of his son.

For You Who Made Me Cry (Again)

I write this poem to you
who made me cry
is it love I feel or but a feeling of longing?
In this world I stand alone
Waiting for a comforting hand
To guide me along a confusing path
Memories I hold
Of happiness and tears, I treasure
Not knowing when this will end
I dream of tomorrow.
Uncertainty lingers
In the crying nights and
Confusing days, I crave peace.
But like all things troubled
Solutions shall come
And soon all these shall pass.
I beg you to forgive me
For the times I wasn’t there to be with you
When the rain poured and no shelter to be found
When the scorching sun burned your back
And pierced your heart
I wasn’t there to cover you with my shadow.
And so I offer this to you
Nothing superb, or spectacular
But true, honest and pure.
And for you who made me cry
I thank you for the tears and
The love.

The Room Was Quiet part 2

I remember the room. Quiet and I don’t hear anything. Not even the dogs were barking outside. I’ve gone deaf. And suddenly, I could hear voices from downstairs. I feel restless and uncomfortable. “Not now, not again,” says the voice inside me. “Aha! Patintero. That’s what I want to play later.”
“I wish its 4 o’clock already so I could play outside with my friends.”
“I wonder what they’re doing now.”
“I don’t want this! I beg you please stop! Don’t!”
I looked at the door in the hopes that it would magically open and Bioman or Astroboy would come and save me.
“Not there, please no, not there!” The voice inside grew louder but my mouth could not utter any words.
It’s hot and I’m sweating. I’m tired and hungry. I don’t want to be here. “Superman, come and save me!”
I see outside from the window and I hear the dogs barking. Do they know what’s happening to me? I wonder where Mama is, she’s probably still working.
I feel lifeless, empty and hollow. My mind is going places but my body could not follow. I’m crying because I feel hopeless. I can smell something I’ve never smelled before. I wanted to throw-u. When is this going to end? I want to play outside with my friends.
To think I remember all these which I tried so hard to forget. When I was six, I remember the room was silent and I’ve gone deaf.

The Room Was Quiet

I remember it was quiet for a while and I could not even hear any dogs barking outside. I lay on a mattress beside my bed. I could hear it creek. I was pretending to be asleep. I heard the wind blowing seemingly whispering something to me. I heard the bed creek again, louder this time. “Not so loud,” she said. My yaya was with someone again. I saw him before. I think he was our neighbour. I didn’t know his name. He was big like a dinosaur; dark skinned and had a deep low voice. I feared him.

It was ‘Numbers’ day at school and the teacher had asked us to take out our workbooks. “I hate Numbers Day,” I whispered to my classmate. “Really? Why? Ako, I love it!” she blissfully replied. I would rather have the recess so I can play with the turtles outside. And when the bell rang, I rushed to the door and found my usual spot. I ate my lunch quickly and immediately began playing with my friends. She was outside waiting, undoubtedly gossiping with others like her. I did not want to leave school. I wanted to play all day long. She screamed from afar and gestured for me to come to her. I refused to heed her call. I walked slowly, pretending not to hear nor see her. She screamed louder. I still didn’t look and continued to walk in a pace even the turtles at the playground would admire. I reached the gate where she was and looked back at the school I was saddened to leave behind. I saw my friends still playing while apparently waiting for someone to pick them up. Teary-eyed, I sighed. She shouted at me and instantly grabbed my ear as if trying to rip it off my head. “Baket ba ang bagal-bagal mo maglakad? Hindi mo ba naririnig yung mga tawag ko sa iyo? Ikaw talaga na bata ka!” She continued to shout at me far after we got home. She dragged me upstairs toward my room and asked me to change my clothes. I undressed as quickly as my chubby, little body would allow. I did not want to give her any more reason to get angrier than she already was. It was one-thirty in the afternoon and I knew that it was nap-time. The mattress was ready in its usual place, beside my bed. She forced me to sleep. I laid there, closed my eyes and in a curled-up position I acted to be asleep. But my mind was wandering and sleep eluded me. And half-way between dream and reality I heard the doorbell ring. The man spoke and I knew it was him. The deep low voice I feared resounded throughout my body. I started to shake. There were footsteps and I could tell they were coming up the stairs. The door opened and I shut my eyes.

I heard undecipherable words. Loud whispers but I could not understand what they were saying. And after what seemed like forever, she stepped out of the room. He slowly rose from the bed and walked toward the door. He locked it. In an instant, I know what was going to happen. It was the same as before. My body started to tremble uncontrollably. I willed it to stop. I could hear him coming closer to check if I were still asleep. I felt his breath on m face as he looked. And then, he picked up my hand and placed it on what felt like a warm, rough stick. My hand immediately jerked away. He held it tighter. I wanted to chew off my arm desperately. I wished so hard that the nerves in my body would die and my hand would go numb. He started to touch me, caressing sensitive areas of my body. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to scream and run toward the door. I kept willing my mind to go to a happy place; a place where he could not follow. Somewhere far from where I was then, where I was held hostage. But my body refused to move. Fear had paralyzed it. My mind was spinning. I was disgusted. There was no where else to go. I was trapped in the hands of a sick puppeteer. And I was the puppet, lifeless, empty. I was a mere child. I was only six and I remember it was quiet for a while.

Infinit* Paradise

Three days and two nights of glorious bliss.

We took the 5am ride bound to Batangas Pier with only 4 hours of sleep. Nothing's going to stop me from going to White Beach. It was time to take the much needed break from the stressful life at the office. Our biggest event of the year is about to come up and I filed a leave a week before. Heck, I was stuck in the province during the Holy Week break and even then Galera was all I could think of. I was all prepared. New board shorts, sunblock, cigarettes and condoms. We were all set for a weekend of sin.

It was still very costly. Room rates range from 2- 4 thousand bucks a night. We got the cheapest room we could find. One room, one bed, one bathroom and a whole lot of space for action.

The day started slow. Vicky and I went for brunch. And much to our dismay, the food tasted like crap so we decided to start drinking early. 12 noon. San Mig Light and Red Horse. Boy hunting to its highest level. It was literally raining gorgeous bodies, hot skinhead men, tanned chests, and a whole lot of alcohol. Stalker pictures galore. I couldn't think of a more perfect way to unwind. But being that it's a Friday and we were both on leave, work came pouring in as soon as we had our first drink. Still it was a whole lot better working at the beach than stuck in a cubicle at the office working your ass off while others take their 3 hour lunch break for God knows what kind of meeting.

So we savoured the fact we were there even though we never stopped taking calls from people at the office and sms'ing till our fingers got numb. So after one litre of Red Horse and 6 San Mig Lights, we were buzzed beyond belief but it felt sooooo damn good!

Saturday.
We vowed not to get drunk too early. (Yeah, that's right I skipped Friday night coz we basically slept. We were both so drunk we didn't even finish our Mindoro Sling. Lo and behold we were both asleep before 12 midnight.)

Saturday night was the best. We prepped for that night around 6pm. Got enough rest from the previous night so we were both fully-charged and ready to get our hands on some men. We went back to the same bar, hoping to get to meet the guys we were eyeing the previous night. Let's just say Vicky got more than enough that night and I GOT SQUAT! Though I still had fun with the fabulous music by no other than our good friend DJ TRAVIS at the Infinit* launch party and the free booze Atche was able to get out of those men. Still... I would have wanted to get laid that weekend.

(read all about Atche's adventure in her blog .... visit http://www.iamsucculent.blogspot.com/ for the story SOON!)

Overall, it was a great trip.

Dozens of pictures.

Lots of great men.

Supberb Company and a promise that paradise will remain.

What more can I ask for?

I will definitely keep coming back to the sin capital... with nothing else but a VENDETTA to get some of that action I missed and SHE had so much!

CHEERS!

Quarterlife Crisis?!

I’ve been doing some serious thinking recently and it’s causing me so much stress. Perhaps this is what they’re calling the quarter life crisis. I’m hoping that it will not cause me panic attacks or even some absurd emotional thingy.

I’m 25 years old, living with my parents. I have stable job that pretty much covers my daily expenses, unfortunately not my debts. No savings account. Lots of credit cards. Drinks almost everyday. Smokes habitually. Gay. Single. And you’re thinking what am I so afraid of? Hell what should I be worried about right? I might die due to liver cancer or lung cancer (or any smoking-related disease), alone and broke. Now, this may cause some of you readers to re-think your life but heck this is what I’ve been going through the past couple of months. So let me just share.

I remember when I was younger that I couldn’t wait to get older. Until I have. And believe me now that I think about it, I’d much rather be young and carefree than old and full of responsibilities. Good thing that I’m not thinking of raising a family or worse, getting married. I pretty much have to only think about myself. But as a single gay man in the big city, you don’t have many options. You either die with a “companion” or die in the loving arms of someone. I know some of you older men and women there would beg to disagree about this crisis. You might even say I’m still so young to think about these things. But I’d rather be thinking about these things now than 25 years down the road and I’m still single, broke and drinking.

They say you don’t know where you’re going until you know where you have been, right? So let us retrospect on my so-called adult life. Hmmm, 18 years old, where was I then? I was in college. Taking up a course that my parents wanted me to take, Political Science at DLSU. They wanted me to become a lawyer, as they were frustrated lawyers themselves. But much to their dismay, I graduated and I did not pursue law. I just felt that it was not for. All I knew was I wanted to make it big. I wanted to prove that I could be someone even without the law degree.

Eighteen was pretty much my wonder years. Lots of friends. I was going out almost every night. Slept over a lot. Tried a lot of things. Suitors left and right. Glory years how I miss you. I was young and fabulous. Around that time I met one guy whom I thought would be my life partner, Dominique (do-min-eek). Until, I found out he was screwing around. We lasted for almost 2 years.

After I graduated I went for the easiest job I could find – a call centre. I was there for about 3 months when I decided to quit the boring and monotonous world of the outbound calls (no offense meant). I sought better pastures and landed a job as a Business Development Officer for a trading company. Where I met one of my closest friends now, Vhal. I stayed there for about 2 years when I decided to jump ship when the company was losing money fast. I met my two ex-boyfriends when I was there, Erwyn who works then as a ground steward for Malaysia Air and Qantas. And Vince, whom I consider one of my greatest, if not the greatest love of my life.


It was late night and I opened my Friendster account. It was a busy night at work and I wanted to de-stress a little.

Message from Erwyn:
Hi! I like your pics. I hope to get to know you better.

I clicked on REPLY.

Noel:
Thanks for the message Erwyn. Maybe we could start getting to know each other through YM. What do you think?

I didn’t get a reply till the next night when I opened my account again.

Message from Leo, Ron, Mikaela, Cash, Erwyn…

I clicked on Erwyn first.

Message from Erwyn:
Eyy, thanks for the reply. Sounds like a great idea. Here’s my YM: h*n*hu*k*@yahoo.com

I decided to add him up and to my surprise he was actually online. We talked about a lot of things. The basics, like where you from, how old are you, what do you do, etc…
This guy seems to be interesting, sweet and real. Unfortunately he didn’t have a picture so I didn’t have a face to match with the words. It took some convincing for me to persuade him to send me his picture. I remember it was a crappy, blurred, and old picture that he sent. It took a couple of days more for him to send me another picture. It was still blurred, but it had promise.

It was my birthday and we were already sms-ing for a couple of weeks now when we both decided to meet up.

Hey. Merry Christmas! How are you doing?

I’m doing ok naman po. Just about to leave work. Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday to you! Ano plans mo for tonight?

Wala naman. I’m just here alone in Se*ttle’s B*st in Gre**nbe*t writing. All my friends are out with their families eh.

Ah talaga? Eh why are you spending your birthday alone?

Wala lang, eh kaysa naman maburo ako sa bahay. Eh di might as well lumabas nlang ako. Are you busy? You want to meet ba?

Hindi naman. Sure. Cge, I can be there in 30mins.

Great I’ll see you then.

We described what we were wearing so we’d recognize each other. Thirty minutes later a guy wearing what was described appeared and went inside. I was outside smoking. A few more minute later, he approached me and said: “Hi, are you Noel”

“Erwyn? Yeah. Hi! Nice to meet you!”

He was with a couple of friends. Probably as a plan B in case he didn’t like me. He could always come up with an excuse to leave. We chatted for a couple of minutes and decided to have a few drinks in Malate. And there, hours after we finally met he said I love you.

It lasted 3 months.

-0-

I met Vince in a most unlikely way.

Excuse me. I’m kinda lost. Do you know how I can get out of here?

Ahhh, yeah! You go straight and turn right at the corner, then left and when you reach the intersection you turn right again. Where are you headed?

Home. In Skyland near the Makati Fire Station.

Oh ok. Just follow the directions I gave you. I’m sure you’ll find your way.

Uhmm, where are you going ba? Maybe I can give you a ride?

Actually, I was about to go to Burger Machine, a few blocks from here. It’s ok. I can walk naman.

Oh no, I insist. Don’t worry. Harmless ako.

Ok then.

I officially became a pick-up boy. Haha! Can’t help it, this guy’s cute. And you guessed it. We didn’t end up in Burger Machine; instead we were parked in front of my house and talked until 5:30 in the morning.
It lasted for almost 2 wonderfully complicated chaotic years.


I was jobless for about a few months and decided to spend time to rest in province. My relationship with Vince was, to say the least, complicated. We were going through a tough time. Our relationship officially ended right about the time I found my next “transit” job. I landed in another call center. After all it was the easiest job to get. It was short and sweet. I met some of my good friends there, Clarice, Lisa, Maja, Mommy A, Mommy O, among a few. I had fun working there. Aside from the fact that it wasn’t exactly challenging I nevertheless made it easy to bear by going out everyday and de-stressing. Welcome to my Alcoholic Anonymous days!

“Hi! My name is Noel and I am an alcoholic”

No, I didn’t join the AA Club. But the rate things were going I was pretty much headed there. And so upon my regularization and possible promotion, after six long months, I resigned.

Still single.

My good friend Vhal said there’s an opening in the company she works for in Ortigas Center. My resume has been with her for a couple of months now. I had to choose between another company and I went for the better offer. A month later I was single no more. Met this guy in the building works at a different floor. Sweet, cute and half-Spanish we had the same age but had different wavelength. We were only going out for a few days when we became a couple. A couple of months fighting over petty things our incompatibility became unbearable. We decided to call it quits in McDo. Suddenly, like a blast from the past Erwyn reappeared ever hopeful and wanting us to get back together. It never materialized. He was still the same.

Vince and I never really closed the door to our relationship. It was still complicated when he decided to give it another shot and I chose to slam the door by entering into another relationship. It was the biggest mistake I made. I knew I still wanted Vince but when opportunity for another possible long term relationship came with someone else I hardly knew came knocking I bit the apple. He was promising but he broke my trust, ergo I called it off.

And just to prove my stupidity and stubbornness in love, I grabbed the next opportunity to make me happy. This time it was with a confused, narcissistic, childish fashionista. I ended up to be a rebound guy for him (though he refuses to admit this till today).

It lasted 3 weeks. But he kept coming back. I was immune.

Swamped with work. Jet-setting. Stressed. Depressed. I try and find comfort with the hope that I’ll still find one than can turn my world upside down. Still kissing a lot of frogs in the hopes that he’ll turn out to be a prince.
That’s it for fairytales.

And so seven years later, I reach the undeniable fact that I’ve grown older. I’m not as marketable as before. And recently I’ve been attracting the younger guys, fed up with ONS, tired most of the time, and often spend time alone. Which only attests to the fact that I am indeed old.

So we come to the dreaded questions: Where am I now? What do I want to do with my life?

Honestly, I got very little idea to the answers for those questions. But like before I still want to make it big. I still don’t know how though, but to dream is free. I’m planning to stick with this job for the next couple of years. After all I still love what I’m doing. And this job holds some promise for me. Love? Long-term relationship? Seems like it’s becoming more and more unattainable for me.

My friend recently got married. And aside from one obnoxious guest, it was near perfect. Another friend had a new baby. And another graduated from law (and passed) with his five-year boyfriend right beside her. I’m happy for my dearest friends but I can’t help but get envious with them. I’m starting to feel pathetic going in and out of relationships. It’s getting be a necessity for me more than a promise. My best friend said I should just wait. Be patient and it’ll come. As much as I would like to believe this, I’m growing tired of hoping, believing and kissing frogs. She said I should still go out on dates but this time just for fun. She knows very well that when I go out with someone, I pressure myself in the belief that this may be the one. “That’s just who I am,” I said. I’m still the hopeless-romantic and love-crazed person as before.

Soon these too shall pass…

9 months and counting.

Lights Off!

Daang taon ang aking inantay
sa paghanap ng iyong distritong tinahak
Pag alay sa bukas na tila nagalala sa paglalakbay
Kulang pa ba ang pangakong sa dugo ay sinulat
Nanalig sa bukas na dapat tayo'y magkapiling na.

Isa lang ang laman ng isip sa pag tuklas ng iyong nais
susuyurin ko ang buong mundo sa pagnanais na ika'y makita
malaman ang sa puso't diwa mo'y pagasa ang dala

Na sa piling mo langit sa iyong kanlungan
paalam na sa pagwari'y walang taning ang pagibig mo sa akin
bulag man o bingi sa katotohanan
hindi ako hihingi ng patawad
tangis ko ang luha
buhat ko ang iyong pangarap
akap sa aking mga kamay

Magkulang man ang pananalig sa akin
Tila walang humpay kitang iibigin
wag kang bibitaw sa pagasang muli
At kahit ika'y maglaon sa ibang lugar
Ako'y magaantay

"Asahan mong mula ngayon pagibig ko'y sa iyo"

Sunduin mo ako sa aking paguwi
salubuingin sa katapusan ng aking paghihintay.

for the angel behind the mask...

I remember.

In a room full of people
I saw you.
A glimmer of a face
The sparkle in your eyes
Seem to light the room.
And then, it was only you the mattered.
The smile that pierced my soul
Coaxed my heart to beat
I found an excuse
To simply know your name
And if this is the only thing I’ll hold
I shall keep it tight.
A simple message
Forced me to understand why

I cannot be there
It’s not my time.
The sky seemed dark
And for that moment
Fate intervened.
Pretensions. Truths.
And so I wait and hope
Staying beneath your shadow
I offer support.
I did not want to intrude
But to you I say these words…
I wish to care for you
The way you have never been cared for before.
Let me be the one to complete you
The way you wanted to be filled.
Le me be there
To watch and admire.
Let me hear your voice
And listen to every word
Le me share your pain
And comfort you through the every ache
Let me believe,
Someday you’ll look at me and say
Forever.

Someday by Nina

Someday you'll gonna realize
One day you'll see through my eyes
But then i won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if i can't

I know
You dont really see my worth
You think your the last guy on earth
Well i've got news for you
I know i'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Chorus


Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can't tell
I'm down,and i'm not down anyway
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Chorus

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday

The Frog Princ(e)iple

12.10.06

And then the princess leaned over, picked up the slime-filled frog and gave it a kiss.

**poof**



Why is it that finding the right person for you seems like such a daunting task? Is it because we try so hard and exert so much effort in finding the right one that more often that it only leads to disappointment? Perhaps we get more thrills with the search rather than the find. Perhaps it gives us a sense of false hope that someone out there is really meant for us. We go to such great lengths in so many avenues desperately searching for the one that we believe can complete us. We spend so many hours looking chatting over the internet, dancing in clubs, sweating at the gym, going out of town, eagerly wanting to bump into the love. We even go to the unlikely places to find love, sauna baths, movie houses, weddings, bookstores, and sex clubs. Hey, not that I’m saying you won’t find love there but often our need drives us to leave no stone unturned, making us appear a little desperate.

If you believe in fairytales, there’s always a young princess that needs rescuing whether from a dragon, a witch, or from a tower in some castle. And of course the story won’t be complete if there’s no handsome young knight, prince that will come to the rescue and save the day. And they shall live happily ever after. Even if Cinderella turned out to be a nagger; Snow White a pathological liar; or Sleeping Beauty to be lazier than a sloth. The happy in ever after comes when you realize that the princess was not the person you hoped or the prince not as gallant as you thought. The happy comes when their faults don’t matter, when their mistakes don’t bother you, when you decide that the past is past and you only hope for a better life together.

What about the Frog Prince? The only reason I liked this particular fairytale is that this time it was the prince that needed rescuing. Come to think of it, how many frogs are you willing to kiss to find the right one? And how many frogs will kiss you before they realize that it is you they’re looking for?

-0-

Last night, I went out with Icko in an event/birthday party of his friend. It was somewhere in Tomas Morato and to be honest it was not my really my cup of tea. Even if I love events, bands, parties especially birthdays, this one was, let’s just say, the gods seemed to be against it. It was raining on and off the whole night, the crowd was the type you’d probably see in a village fiesta, the setting was on a street, the hosts were lousy, service was terrible. The only good thing I can say about the event was that the booze were free. J*ge*me*st*r, S**y Vo*ka , and S*n Mi*uel were some of the sponsors of the event so the drinks were pretty good. Though as the night dragged on, I so badly wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else but there. But of course, I was with Icko and his friends (which I liked by the way) so I had to stay. And half past one we decided to call it a night. We said our goodbyes and went off our way. Here’s the redeeming factor of the night I had. Icko and I braved the downpour to get a cab. And then we started talking about many things, and here’s an excerpt.

Icko: Thank you!

Noel: For what?

Icko: For staying with me and meeting with my friends. I know it wasn’t exactly the best night we had.

Noel: It’s ok. I had fun just being with you.

Silence. We kissed and held hands.

Icko: My head hurts. I think I had too many drinks.

Noel: I gestured him to sleep on my lap. And he rested.

Icko: I love you baby!

Noel: I love you too.

Icko: Don’t you dare leave me.

Noel: I won’t if you promise not to hurt me.

Icko: I won’t.

For the next 20 minutes or so I was just brushing my fingers on his hair and looking at him. Not saying a word, I watched him sleep so peaceful in my lap. I realized then how much I really felt for this person.

Noel: Let’s get married.

He stood up. Surprised.

Icko: Are you serious?

Noel: Well, it kinda just sorta came out of my mouth. But then again, why not?

Icko: But why me?

Noel: Coz… I just think we should.

At that time, I wasn’t thinking straight. I just thought that after all the crap I’ve gone through I don’t want this to be just another relationship. Perhaps I wasn’t that serious when I said what I said but some part of me wanted it so bad. I wanted to settle down and share my life with someone without worrying of the repercussions.

Icko: Alright, when?

Noel: On your birthday.

Not another word was said about it. I think we both understood what each other felt. Both fear and uncertainty accompanied with love and excitement lingered inside the cab all the way home.

-0-

*poof*

The frog turned into a handsome young man.

After kissing so many frogs and not finding the right one, where do you go from there? Frogs will always be frogs. They will not turn into prince charming no matter how many you kiss or how you kiss them. You just have to pick out the best frog on the pond and hope for the best. (Shout out to my best friend Nat!)

Closing Cycles by Paolo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.

If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to leave abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a stand- still. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.

What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful in maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts- and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detached your self from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, you love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss; that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous that not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits you life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were and change into who you are.

Poster le Manuscrit:

From my favorite author sent to me by mother via email.

For The Prodigal-Med Student

READ! http://natalisms.blogspot.com/2006/09/leprechaun-flavored-pringles.html

My Comment on a (Best)Friends blog entry...

"You have to promise me that you'll read my blog... you owe it to me as your best friend!"

So after a smoke downstairs, I went back up and hurahhh my Big breakfast meal just arrived. And I remembered a promise made to my bestfriend... that I'd read her blog.

If some of you still doesn't know, she is one brilliant writer, too bad she's in medicine (or should that be a good thing?).

Truth be told this entry got me a little teary-eyed. I realized that if I went through with law school then I would probably be going through the same exact hell. You could just imagine what a "not-just-an-ordinary-Outsider" felt reading this. I have always had a huge respect for med students not just because they are studying to save lives or make it better but because they are doing what they are doing---eating, breathing, and living in hell. For them the most important thing is to make a difference. And how many people do you know who goes by this mission?

CHEERS! to my bestfriend who once was on Outsider but now found her true calling! Love yah!

text message sent 9/7/2006 10:12AM

Fuck. Naiyak ako sa blog mu. Not juz coz of u being a med student but i kept thnking if i went through with law, i'd probably go thru d same hell. Proud of u!

Till Salt and Pepper

A wise friend told me, "You cannot hold on to everyone. You have to let go of one to gain the love of another. Don't commit the same mistakes I did."

I’ve known her six months and I have never heard a wiser advice. My confidant, my friend, my roomie, Vicky, a “fantabulous” writer and an old soul; she can move mountains with her words and make men drop-jaw by her looks.

-o-

Just add a sprinkle of salt and a touch of pepper to taste.

-o-

I’ve always written stuff about things or people that inspire me. For the longest time I’ve written about love, heartache, pain, fear, and confusion. At some point it gets quite tiring and yet the hopeless-romantic in me craves for more. I have seen the world in dazzling colors and experienced life in an assortment of carnival rides. I made friends and enemies along the way. Broken hearts and healed wounds. Braved the rain, weathered the storm and bathed on the glorious sun. Dreamed big, got there and wanted more. But in this complicated, unorganized world that I live in there is but one thing that drives me to wake up every morning…

Love.

More often than not you’ll meet someone you don’t expect and shake you right out of your senses. But until then, you wait for prince charming to come in a gallant horse, sword at hand, shield at the other to simply sweep you off your feet. You dream about love, succumb to frustrations and wait for hope to spring.

Unlikely I met someone here. In a place full of horn dogs and people who long for the mind-blowing s*x they so desperately need. I fear hearing my heart shatter into a million pieces again. I am sick of play and tired of toys. And so, after weeding out the rotten apples I find one touched by the hand of Midas.

I met you once, back when youth was against me. Meet you again and almost lost you because the moon was full. I will not lose you again. I grabbed the destined meeting. And you cancelled, fear of what it might bring for the both of us. What seemed to be our last chance to be together created what appeared to be the 4th of July.

Magic in a coffee shop.

A Happy Meal and “How to Lose a guy in 10 days.”

The loveseat and the pillow talk.

And hours past midnight I couldn’t help myself. The world stopped spinning and I materialized the words my heart felt. Nothing else mattered. Just you. And knowing that salt and pepper was more than ingredients to taste, it was a promise.